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Saturday, April 10th, 2004
11:09 am
ok past two days (wasn't able to get to comp)thrsday: food 1/2 water 2/2 exercise1/2 journal 2/2 challange 2/2

Friday: food 2/2 water 2/2 exercise 2/2 journal 2/2 challange 2/2.

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Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
2:59 am - separate the seasons with a firestorm at every intersection
I must say, there was nothing more wonderful than seeing mindless self indulgence. Wait yes there was. It was ketamine constantly at my disposal... but usually I listened to msi after snorting it.

I hate the way the world operates, the methods of judging ones value in society, and the whole fucking system that I'm very much a part of. I will be a better person on Thursday.

I'm getting either the back of my neck or my wrist pierced in four spots. I want to use ribbon like in my LJ pic from suicidegirls. It's one of the most beautiful pictures I've ever stared at. Soon tomorrow will be over. I'll be with my best friends, I'll be drunk, I won't have any responsibility. Maybe I'll even get fucked. I'll get fucked and emotionally raped. Tormented by the lack of self esteem, leading to my lack of self confidence, leading to me not equaling sexy. fucking fuck nuggets. GRR! meow. sick.

and then you'll be there too, ready to share the icy roads and gray mist with me. I'll say fuck you and you'll just smirk, because you know the power you have over me is stronger than any will of my own. You own me. I love it.

current mood: stressed

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Monday, October 27th, 2003
5:09 pm - food is my enemy
it controls my life. either me worrying about being fat, being skinny, eating not eating what to eat when to eat how to eat who to eat with. EATING. Whyyyy... i sketched a lil FOOD into my wrist with an X over it. I hope it reminds me. But now I have to hide it from everyone so they don't think i'm nuts. I had an aweful weekend. I got in a fight with my best friend. I realized that no one really understands anyone. which yeah, obvious. but people only understand parts of me. And when I was younger I never really understood how some people could feel so alone and have no one to talk to. But I get it now. because no one wants to hear it. no one wants to deal with it. and if they sit there and bother to hear it, all they do is tell you "no youre wrong it's not like that" and I can't stand it. So now I have to keep quiet. and it's so hard. I'm not a cutter but blood can be soooo soothing. yum. shit. i can't handle the overload of school work i have to do. I can't think. I can't breathe. I cant succeed. shit i'm shaking so hard. typing is near impossible. so many type-os ... that's what caffeine and adderall with do. shit i've never shook this hard before. damnit.

fucking makes me feel like trash. It always seems like a good idea at the time. and afterwards, especially when the person won't bother to say hello to you, i feel so trashy. I pretend it doesn't matter, it's all fun, I don't care. But then I get emo and realize that no one will ever love me. my best friend can't love me, my parents can't love me, i can't love myself. so how can i expect another human being to love me. i just need let sublime give me the lovin. oh dear. what to do with my life.

current mood: ranting

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Thursday, October 9th, 2003
4:23 pm
since i use this lj for no friends i know, i spose i can start off sad. i'm sad. I've got a few main reasons. none of them are for any outside reason. it's all in my head. First of all I was so depressed when i was fat and ugly. then i felt like i became attractive when i lost weight. I know it's superficial but I was happy. I felt like a better person. I love being thin. Now that I'm at school i'm gaining the "freshman fifteen" and it's sick. I'm no longer pretty. It was so hard to loose the weight before too. I lost a bunch because I was sick and didn't have an appetite. Then i threw up a bit, then I was introduced to ecstasy and adderal. the amphetamines helped a shitload. But I hate ecstasy now, and oy. Ok I started throwing up once in a while again. I mean just this week. only like 3 times when i ate really bad. And I am sick and don't have an appetite but I still can't stop eating. oh well. I don't fucking care if i throw up and it's no one here's business so they better not but in and be all like "oh it's so bad" as if i didn't know that it's looked down upon. fuck them. ok next step

I'm pretty sad that i'm done with high school. i'm pretty sad that i don't live at home. I'm pretty sad that i'm not young and going out with stupid drug dealers and staying out all night without responsibility. My morals have gone down the drain. i didn't really like them. I'm never going to be happy in a relationship, ever. I don't know what it is. whenever i get the guy i'm after, i lose interest, i know it happens to a lot of people. but it really does suck. like shane, shane fucked me, all i wanted, i lost interest. I never lost interest in nick, but i did lose interest in his lifestyle. meow. what's next... i don't know.

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Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
7:27 pm - my obsession with tattoos has begun.
last night i met a beautiful boy. not hot. beautiful. he wore a black t shirt and snugish jeans with one of those silly punk rawk pyramid belts. he had brown hair spiked up in a not punky way, not preppy way, just sorta "i want my hair standing and not sitting" way. he had huge friendly eyes. his arms were both covered in tattoos (not aweful biker ones or nautical star ones). here is by far the most beautiful part about him. he had a horseshoe lip ring in the center. His bottom lip was so nice and full that the lip ring looked tight. those are by far the best kind of lips.

many times i've looked over at a boy and slightly bit my lip ring while trying to use my eyes to tell that boy, get yo ass ova here. last night was the first time it worked. he came over to my friend and i and we started talking to him. he asked us to go to a club with him but i was with two 16 year olds that couldn't get in. despite the fact that he said he could get us in, one had to be home in an hour. so i got his number.

getting peoples numbers sucks! i'd much rather they call me. so i prayed for voicemail and got it. left him a message with my number and hopefully he'll call. for now, i'll just remember how pretty he was and fix my mind on the image of him fucking me. it would be so nice to have his body weight holding me down on some sort of mattress on a floor. in a dimly lit room with some hardcore playing softly in the background. man... as the livejournal name suggests... i just wanna be dominated.

current mood: hot

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Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
2:12 am - don't hate the playa, hate the game baby.
this summer i have hooked up with w,j,s,t,b,(n?),m,b,w... um i'd have to say the best was ben#2... so i'm a slut you say? nono, i say i'm enjoying my youth. it's messed up. i try to blame the system and society. if i was in a novel, i'd be the girl with low self esteem that you feel bad for and have sympathy for. at least that's what i'm hoping. chicago was nice. i love public transportation.

current mood: accomplished

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Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
4:41 am - a beautiful girl can make you feel dizzy, like you've been drinkin jack and coke all mornin
summer nights are incredible. winter nights are beautiful. i prefer the warmth.

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Thursday, July 17th, 2003
4:27 am - this is a risky move but,
maybe if you see me, you'll understand.

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4:12 am - this is your life, and its ending one minute at a time
it was another day filled with waste, self realizations, and feelings of emptiness. i watched the rules of attraction again, as i've done many times before. i sat on my porch at 4 am and smoked a cigarette. i felt beautiful and alone. i waste my time with meaningless kisses. men are all obstacles. i'm now realizing that i am a catch... but will anyone ever catch me? i walked barefoot to the middle of the road. in the distance i heard the sounds of the city, the freeway. i stood in the darkness and felt the world was mine. the solitude of night gives me a feeling of astonishment. jaded. i looked up at the glowing from my bedroom window. my room awaited. silently i twised the door knob and crept into my house. the warmth of my blankets, the comfort of knowing i would soon rest was a wonderful feeling. Then i thought "tomorrow you shall wake." waking will bring fourth another day filled with meaningless conversations. building of friendships that will end in one month when i leave this life behind and begin my adulthood. as depressing as life can be, i'm happy within it. i could never slit my wrists in a warm bath, as the drugs within me pump throughout the blood rapidly being lost. i'm in some state of euphoria, knowing life is not real. it is merely my perception of the world that begins and dies with my mind. reality is an illusion. i'm fake, and the more i grasp this the more i desire to live. i want to see what else i've been taught by those who are afraid to think. i'll go to sleep now. and in the morning i'll feel different. mAyBe my dreams will be the only conclusions i am left with.

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Friday, July 11th, 2003
3:49 am - anyone wanna come save me from myself?
girls are really beautiful. especially girls in small livejournal icons with lip rings and dark hair... gothic girls, and really cute punk girls... gah! they're just so gorgeous. i wonder why i want to dye my hair all the time if i have dark hair and a lip ring?? why don't i want to look like the beautiful girls?? maybe it's because i'm not goth... maybe it's because i don't know if i want to be dark or if i like my bleached hair better..... maybe my problems with my physical appearance reflect upon how little i know myself, who i am or who i want to be... how can you just be yourself when you lost yourself so many years ago? shit. how fucking sad... i feel like a lost kitten.

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3:41 am - these quiz results do not reflect well upon me
The Angry Princess
The Angry Princess

What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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3:31 am - by the by... if i'm on yer friends list... thanks...
A bloody gruesome death. You're most likely a self-
mutilator. You like the burning sensation you
get as your skin gives way to the blade and
watching as the rivers of blood flow down your
arm and onto the bathroom floor. You don't
really care HOW you end up killing
yourself...just as long as you're dead in the
end and there's a mess for people to clean up.
After all, they deserve it anyway right? And
you like whatever is convenient at the time for
you...so there's no real planning to be done.

What Form Of Suicide Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

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3:25 am - you remember the time your eyes first met
do you think it was love at first sight?

only physical attraction you say? what if there eyes jump out at you, pull you toward them, seem teal? later you learn they are simply hazel eyes. beautiful eyes. but not glowing. except now they burn intensly... they glow with love. through those eyes you see a wonderful human being. everything anyone could be. all that's worth being. and you have to live with knowing that he was your desert, and you got him too soon. now youre left with cooked vegetables, and your full with the memories of sweet precious... but you've licked that plate clean and your mom won't let you leave the table until youve finished your vegetables. but your vegetables drive you insane!

so this started normal... until you went off on a tangent about the famous dating is like a meal schpeal....

i can't stop thinking about my sweet precious. and i am stuck with a rerun of my past. i live in a reversed oreo world. i trust no one reading this understands what the fuck i'm talking about... but that's okay, because no one would. because hopfully i do not know you if you are reading this. this is the secret livejournal... the livejournal of pain... yes. thats nice.

current mood: aggravated

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Monday, May 5th, 2003
12:38 pm - I want admiration
I'm so shallow. At least I can admit it, to no one I know. I want to be on raverporn.net. I want to be naked and beautiful and I want people to tell me I'm the most beautiful person they've ever seen. I know it won't be true, but I crave it. All I desire is outside beauty. I dye my hair, put on make-up and develop eating disorders.... I just want to be on a billboard in time square and have the whole city think I'm hot. Or on a runway and have the whole show adore me. But I don't have the right body. I think I could do some modeling junk... but not super sexy victorias secret runway stuff. I have hips and boobs... my tragic flaw. I hope raverporn.net wants me. I hope I'm brave enough to do it. I hope I'm not a weirdo with the photographer. I hope my family never stumbles accross it. I hope someone important sees it so they can adore me. The end.

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Thursday, May 1st, 2003
6:53 pm - tonight i'm taking aderall
maybe i can loose 10 pounds in the next few days. I was 115, after spring break i'm 125... at 5'7" i think i'd be perfect if i could get to 110. get rid of some of my legs...

i've been smoking a lot of pot lately. It makes me strange. Other than unmotivated, lazy, and hungry. I also get sooo weird about people. Cranky. and i don't answer my phone for a lot of ppl. i avoid the world. But i have a lot of fun with ppl i like that i can have good conversations with and say the silliest things. maybe i'll stop smoking alone. i don't have much to say, what a pointless post.

current mood: speedy

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Tuesday, April 1st, 2003
11:06 pm - another lonely complaint
As I get closer to perfection than I ever used to be, I feel like less and less of a person. I used to be so gross and fat but then I felt cute. Now I'm skinnier than I've ever been with an adult body and instead of seeing how good I look, all I see is fat. I weigh 115 pounds and I'm 5'7"... on other people, they can weigh 130 and be shorter than me and I think they look so good. Why do I think I look soooo gross. Laxatives are very addicting. Sometimes I wouldn't eat, or sometimes I'd throw up if I over ate. Laxatives make me feel like I can eat pizza, brownies, and pop but not even worry about it. And it doesn't suck too bad except in the morning... when all of yesterday needs to come out. Yeah that sounds gross huh? but no one I know reads this... so I hope. I bet I'll never look good in my eyes. My arms and stomach are okay... just okay. But my legs are disgusting. Why can't my legs be pretty? I've been rollerblading a lot and doing thigh exercises. Yesterday I ran for an hour on the treadmill... but running I probably won't keep up with. I'm damn lazy. That's probably why I have such fucked up diets instead of sane, healthy ones. I wonder why I care? I'm not trying to impress a specific someone. Sometimes I just hate myself and feel stupid and ugly and mean. Maybe if I can appear to be beautiful no one will notice my rotten insides. I think my hearts dying. And my face used to be so pretty. I think all the drugs and unhealthy eating is starting to mess up my skin... my eyes are getting dull... They aren't special anymore, they've become ordinary. What will happen when I'm older and no longer maintain the young pretty image I have now? Will I want to die? Or will I just be older and wiser and realize it's what's inside that counts. I know I love people when they are fun/funny and easy to talk to... but for some reason I don't think other people care. Another thing that bothers me is that I'm finally getting thinner... shouldn't that be pleasing? Why did everyone call me fat three and four years ago and now people call me gross because I've lost too much weight??? It's not like I'm super skinny. I'm not annorexic skinny or popular stupid girl skinny. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST BE SATISFIED WITH ME??? oy. bitchbitchbitch. Well, now that I've complained... maybe I'll update in another month or so when everything is tearing me apart again. Maybe if I lose another 10 pounds I'll feel like the fattest person alive... maybe that won't stop me from trying.

current mood: worried

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Tuesday, March 11th, 2003
9:53 am - i tried coke
oh man what the fuck? It's supposed to be this wonderful drug, that people do in bathrooms and in between classes. It's made out to be so hardcore, so exciting. I thought it'd be fun to have a new craving to fulfill. yeah so i do a shitload of it, well what seems like a ton to me cuz i am used to doing little lines of k. anyways 80$ worth... and i feel like standing stretching and fidgeting. I feel kinda like i do on hyper good days for a bit and then i get really cranky. I felt damn sad. i was crying but there were no tears. That feels worse than bawling. i didn't like silence but i didn't like any of the music... i didn't like staying still but i hated going places... and i didn't like being around people but i hated being alone. What a stupid stupid drug. I came home and slept for 15 hours. when i woke up i weighed 114... i haven't weighed this little since 6th grade. maybe i should keep doing it... i'm gonna fuck it all up now and go eat breakfast because i'm starving. I don't know any way to silence my hunger... even when i eat. food controls me. i wish i was beautiful and perfect. i wish i had will power... and i wish i wasn't leaving now to go eat... what's wrong with me???

ps i'm doing it again tonight.......... why?

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Wednesday, June 12th, 2002
10:34 pm - i want to see reese witherspoon and kate hudson, you know how i want to see them
It so weird looking back. Everyone knows this. It's strange just to look back to winter. And read journals of how i felt. I wanted to hear someone sing. I had no idea how fake they'd turn out to be. I wanted to be with boys. Didn't I realize that once we'd break up I would think of how blind i was and all of the better things I could have been doing. Like passing classes. i've wanted to sleep and do drugs. But why am i so scared. And why do i fear people. I will miss out on all of the biggest oppourtunities of my life due to this fear of speech and low self esteem. I think my friends are starting to realize that i don't smile anymore. i didn't get what i expected. When the worst comes, aren't they supposed to be there to bring you back up? But I end up just bringing them down. But we all turn our backs, so i don't blame them. People change, and we don't accept them. so i shouldn't expect to be accepted.

but theres someone that's supposed to care about me. And i know no one will ever truely love me unconditionally, but i hoped someone would. And now i annoy him. and i feel like he doesn't always care. we're always together, and i always pout. when did i become a girl that always needed her way. i used to go places and we'd do the activity that made the group happy, and i'd play along and have fun with it. but now i need to do MY thing all the time or i won't participate. I wont push what i want to do on others, i just won't do their thing with them. But that's not fair. because i get so sad when i'm alone. and why should i make others be alone just because i don't want to do what they're doing?

I hope I can change, but it's hard to do, unless it happens without you noticing, then it's simple. I just wish i could be myself. I wish i didn't need to have a certain color hair, or makeup. I wish i didn't have to wear things that match. i want to talk to people as freely as i used to be able to. and i want to dance knowing that everyone is staring and not stop. i want to do all these things that i will never do...

current mood: self-loathe

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Thursday, May 16th, 2002
8:25 pm - i want to die
read subject

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Tuesday, May 7th, 2002
11:47 am - i want to die
but i want him to die first.

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